Life Hurts...

Naniniwala ako, life is not so great sometimes. Life is hard, tanggapin natin! And we live in a world where we have the blessed and comfortable, those trying to be comfortable and those who are not comfortable at all. And sadly, we are all here to survive.  


We must live, kahit hindi na natin alam kung paano tau ulit huminga.


Marahil ito ang dahilan kung bakit ginawa ko ang blog na ito. Just like most of us, meron din akong kwento. Marahil ikaw, meron din.  We all have our own stories, and I would like to share mine. Many people have been through similar experiences and sharing it, I think, would inspire people to go back where they’ve lost courage and start to live again. And my ability to peel back the layers of my life and eventually look how it got from there to here is so hopeful for other people to look at their own.


From my previous posts, maybe you already knew that I am from a simple family – financially marginalised that is! But my previous posts were just the tip of an iceberg. There are still too many pains that are settling at the back of my heart. Sabi nga nila, move forward and leave the past behind. Madaming beses ko na kinalimutan iyon lahat. But there are still moments in my life when I see flashbacks. Bitter memories that are supposed to be buried are still haunting me. At sa mga pagkakataon na iyon, bumabalik ako dito because this is my only refuge – to gain life again.


I’ve been through a lot, in fact, I’ve been to hell and back. The hardest part of this journey so far, is when I arrived in Manila – after I left my province. I wanted to be part of this world. Katulad din ng iba, gusto ko din ng maayos na buhay. I wanted to erase poverty in my family. Maihahambing ko ang kabanatang ito ng buhay ko sa isang dahong nalagas sa puno, nahulog sa batis ng buhay at inagos ng tubig ng pag-asa. Nanalig ako sa aking kakayahan at katulad ng iba, umasa din ako na magtatagumpay. Subalit naging mapangahas ang agos ng tubig. Madaming beses akong nagpalutang –lutang sa kawalan. Kumapit ako, mahigpit na mahigpit, kahit buhay man ang kapalit. Umasa na sa kabilang dako ay magkakaroon ng makakapitan subalit, ang munti kong kakayahan ay sadyang mahina… hanggang sa hinayaan ko na lang ang aking sarili na sumunod sa agos ng buhay. Walang katiyakan ang paroroonan.Madaming beses sumadsad sa bato, inagos ng tubig hanggang sa kalaunan natuto akong kumapit. Hindi naging madali subalit alam kong sa ganitong paraan, nalalaman ko kung saan ako patutungo.


For a long time, I banished. Like, I put myself in an exile. Kumbaga sa balita, news blackout. I didn’t want my family to know that I was not ok. For more than a year, I was dead. I lived with people I’ve just met in a place I’ve never been before. Subic and Olongapo are great places but my ways of life weren’t. Despite all the challenges, I was able to save and start a life again back in Manila.


Envy. It started all. Kumapit ako sa patalim.I met several people from different aspects of life - some had real intentions, some just wanted to play with their boredom and others just wanted to shout their bounty. But it doesnt matter at all , I just wanted to live that's all! Sa bawat tuluyan, ako'y namangha sa ayos ng higaan, sa linis at kintab ng kwarto at sa lamig ng aircon.Minsan nga,halos ikinukubli ko ang aking paa sa bawat pag apak sa sahig. Ni hindi ko nga maiangat ang paa ko sa upuan katulad ng iba sa takot na madumihan ko ito.Subalit, sa gitna ng mga tagpong iyon na buhay ko, ako'y nainggit at nangarap. Ninais kong magkaroon ng disenteng tulugan, maayos na kwarto at magarbong palamuti.Sa pagkakataong iyon, nabuo ang aking pangarap - ang mamuhay at magkaroon ng mga bagay na hindi ko natikman.


Probably that feeling of inferiority triggered me of wanting to earn more. So, I decided to work in a call center. Ayoko sa iba, gusto ko call center lang. Konti pa lang ang call center nun, mahirap din makapasok. Every Sunday, nakaugalian ko nang bumili ng Manila Bulletin and in the evening, I planned where to go for the whole week. At 7AM in the morning, from Mondays tru Fridays, umaalis na ako ng bahay dala ang resume. Minsan wala pamasahe so minsan nilalabhan ko damit ng mga boardmates ko or minsan d ako kumakain. Many times I was denied from getting the job. ” Your  application will be kept active and keep your lines open cuz we might call you for the next evaluation”, yan ang madalas sabihin sa akin ng recruiter. Talo ko pa ang nagrereview sa board exam dahil gabi-gabi ko binabasa at kinakabisado ang scripted responses ko sa interbyu. Araw – araw iyon. Nalulungkot nga ako kapag Sabado at Linggo ksi wala akong aaplyan. Halos gabi-gabi , umiiyak ako dahil hndi ako natatanggap. Nalulungkot nga ako nun ksi iyong iba nga, gusto lang ang trabahong ito para masustentuhan ang layaw.Kung sino pa naman ang me kailangan sa trabaho, siya pa rin ang pinagkakaitan. Ganunpaman,kailangang magpatuloy. Para na nga akong professional sa paghahanap ng trabaho sa call center eh. Hanggang sa dumating ang ika 43^rd  day of job hunting, nakatanggap ako ng tawag. While I was listening to that call, my tears started to fall. For a long time that I patiently waited, naawa sa akin ang Diyos. Binigay ang matagal kong hiling. At sa pagkakataong iyon, nagkaroon ulit ako ng pag-asa.


Life became easy after that. Madami pa ring pagsubok pero ganun naman talaga ang buhay. And just like with that lost leaf in the stream,wandering despite the strong riverflow, alam ko na sa takdang panahon, mararating pa rin ang paroroonan. At patuloy ko pa ring isasalaysay ang paglalakbay ng dahon ng aking buhay. Because in the end only by sharing will be able to live with the struggles ,to live with pain and sadness to gather strength and to live again.

One Day I'll Fly Away..

For  so many years now, I have been struggling taking the twists and turns of this life. I have taken so many paths that would lead me to my direction but it seems that it’s taking so long to finish a lap. More recently, I have seen friends getting promoted, had a good career, started a family – while I am still here.  The days and years have gone by and I can’t believe that we are already in 2011. What happened? Where did life go? Am I too picky?

I hope life is like a cassette player. We can erase moments that are vexations to our spirit. We can fast forward to the result of our hardships or even rewind to the most precious part of our existence. But I think the best feature that would have been a great help is the power to go back and pause life when I need to make a decision from variety of choices. But sadly, life is not a cassette player. It is a real –life drama that you have to face real time without turning back.

I would admit, I have done so many wrong decisions in the past. And I let so many opportunities to pass by.  But what if those decisions were the most righteous that time? They said that opportunity knocks once. So does that mean that since it knocks once, you have to grab it the first time? 

I probably have regrets but I only have few. And if I could turn back time, I would probably choose the same option I’ve picked. It is not because it is the most applauded answer during QA's  but simply because I am tired of taking another track overcoming another set of challenges. What is more important is the fact that I learned a lot of valuable lessons. Some of my choices may have landed me in unpleasant circumstances, but experiencing these things certainly built my current character. I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for those character-building situations. My mistakes are stepping stones to my evolving life. There’s no need for me to sink into regret or despair – I keep my chin up.

It  may be true that opportunity knocks once. It may be true that I have let it pass. But it is also true that there are so many opportunities in this world, it is only up to me on how to explore them. All I need to have is the power to make the right decision. And if at worst that opportunity never knocks again, I know that there is always my angel who would take me to his cradle. And one day,  when that moment arrives, I know I will fly away. And beyond the silver tint of the cloud of doubt , I know I will succeed with another blow.

As I put down my pen, I suddenly had a reflection about my own race. I finally realized that the end of the race happens at the end of our lives. Where I am at now is not the barometer of success. Many just think that going a straight line is the fastest way to get to a point . But I'll do otherwise. I will follow the curves and fixing every curls along the way.