Celebration of Life Over Limitations

All through my life up until now, I’ve controlled how to express my emotions, not because I didn’t feel them, I felt them very deeply, but I certainly suppressed my  inferiority and discontentment. Being a poor kid, I knew how to pretend  I wasn’t hungry, to act like I wasn’t cold when I was  freezing , and to feel like people’s  words  didn’t hurt  just because my state didn’t  give me the liberty to complain. My young heart was screaming up to the top of my lungs but words seemed hesitant to come out. I was mum as if the feeling never existed. There were several moments in my past life that my pride was confronted and had to convince myself to understand and give pardon although I knew things weren’t right. I was tired of this negative emotion and I felt so dissatisfied. My fierce motivated me. They provoked self-challenge. I had to stop so I had to get in my way. I had to lift my spirit to be able to get to a point where I could be “somebody”. I had to analyze my worth and prepare myself to my own battle of survival – to defy life.

Life is full of trickery, full of twists and always unexpected. Every road I have been clumping seems all up hill. But, I have to remind myself that I have nowhere to go except up as I have already been at the bottom for the rest of my life. I have taken the chance and took the risk because I knew that at the end of this journey, there would be another beginning to look forward to. And by the time it would come around, I would be much more prepared just because I had grown. But I had reached the point to think how I would be able to climb that hill - the road is steep and cliff is death defying. But that’s where I am going. That’s where I am headed and there’s no turning back. Whether I’m clinging to a rock or jumping off on a cliff, they are both scary things to do for me. I have no option but to just throw myself to the wind and just say, " All right life, Here I am!" What I think is important now is to act and not allowing those to block me, to learn to live with them and to carry them around.

But this life is such a fool. After this very long, long journey, when  I finally  see the victory at the end of this road, life comes dressed up like detours or roadblock and sometimes, as full blown breaking point. No matter how I am persistent and motivated, life would still kick me and kick me again when I am already down. I failed multiple times, maybe ten times or even a hundred times and I couldn’t find the strength to get back up. But this life has so many lessons to teach me. Someone said ,"If I you're down with your face on the ground, you would try a hundred times to get up. If you fall a hundred and give up, you'll realize that it would be the end of your journey". So, I won’t give up. I will try, and try and try again even a thousand times because this is not the end and I have to end this strong. So to every fall, I have to find that strength to get back up. I have to find that strength to persevere and endure its toughness in spite of overwhelming obstacles.

But then again, I am just a human being and there are several ways my self-confidence can get destroyed – expecting too much from myself, setting my expectations so high and at the end, setting myself for disappointment. At one point I am hopeless, I realize that I am the only living person who believes in my dreams – that everything I do, regardless of how I am going to do it, I still fail. This pain is just too much that I want to just breakdown and scream the hell out. I am helpless to convince myself that I am strong and I lost the courage to move on, I lose faith – I’m feeling so tired, very tired. I feel like I’m not destined to succeed at all. I was never been miserable in my life. I seem to have lost all hope in everything. My motivation has evaporated into thin air. My self confidence and self esteem has hit an all time low. For a long time now, I never let myself to grieve because I hate to let my emotion to take over --- until today. This time, this feeling has to be acknowledged - my tears are now out of my control.

Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while so that we can see life with a clearer view again. There are moments in life that that we feel so down but those are the times that we have to remind ourselves to keep focused on believing ourselves. It may not be easy at times but in those struggles and difficulties, we will find the essence of who we really are. So when the days come filled with life- bothering frustrations, always believe in ourselves and all we want our life to be. Just like the  quote on that corridor wall said, "Rest if we must, but don't you dare quit! " So let's damn live with it. After all, this is still a beautiful world to live no matter what! Keep shinning for our day is still to come.Always be patient.