A Mother's Touch

An Open Letter for my Mother 

Nay,

Musta na?  It’s been a while since we last talk over the phone.  Im writing you this letter because I just realized how wonderful you are.  Dati, hindi kita naapreciate but now, As I face ung mga challenges dito sa Manila, I wonder how were you able to overcome ung mga paghihirap mo dati sa family natin.

Lam mo Nay, I dreamed of you last night. I was crying hard because,  in my dream, you were gone, as in forever. I was in an uncommon place with uncommon people. Yung community na un has very simple living, puro kubo lang ung bahay.  Kami ni Maine were looking for you in that place. Someone told us na nakita ka daw pero hanggang dun lang. We never found you. You were gone forever.

I woke up crying, buti na lng panaginip lang yun. I am sorry dahil I never told you how much I love you. I am sorry If I failed you. Nung bata pa kmi, you thought that I would be the most successful sa aming magkakapatid dahil ako ang pinakamatalino. I promised you na dadalhin kita sa PICC pra sa graduation ko but as of this time, wala pa akong diploma.

Naalala ko pa nung nagtitinda ka pa sa skul namin. Madaling araw pa lang pumupunta ka na sa bayan para bilhin mga ititinda mo. Paggising naming magkakapatid nakahanda na ung almusal namin. Ginisang corned beef dahil yun  mabilis lutuin.Ung baon namin , nadivide divide na sa mesa para sa aming magkakapatid. Minsan meron na ding lapis o pad paper  depende kung nagsabi na kami na wala na kaming supply. Lam mo ba naiinis ako sau dati kasi kanya kanya kami ng bihis. Minsan, pumapasok kmi na di nakplantsa ang uniform. Kung minsan naman, d na ako sumasali sa mga skul program dhil wla akong isusuot. Dahil wala kang panahon to look for what we needed. 

Pero Nay, naalala mo pa rin ba nung pinagbawalan na kau ng Prinsipal naming na magtinda sa skul? Salbaheng principal nay un. Nahihiya ako kapag lagging nababanggit sa flag ceremony na bawal na kaming bumili sa inyo. Na kesyo daw makakuha daw kmi ng sakit pag bumili kmi sa inyo. Lam ko nmn na di un totoo kasi lam ko nmn kung ganu mo nililinis mga gingamit mo. Di ba nga sa bahay , mas malinis pa ung mga pinapagamit mo sa mga estudyante kesa sa mga ginagamit namin sa bahay?

Well, wala ka din nagawa hanggang tuluyan ka ng napaalis and you ended up, selling ice candy sa palengke duting market days. Life became so tough. Minsan we were going to school without baon kasi nagagalit ka pag humihingi kami. But one time, naawa ka so binigyan mo ako ng 1.50 ng kusa , di ko un makakalimutan.Na touched kaya ako dun.

Pero lam mo Nay, and di ko makakalimutan ay ung lagi nyong pag aaway ni Tatay kapag nalalasing sya. Everytime nalalasing si Tatay, it was  a nightmare for us all. That was many years ago but until now, those memories still haunting me. Minsan natatakot pa dn ako. I was 9 yrs old and Randy was just 8. Kpag nag aaway kayo ni Tatay ng dis oras ng gabi, lagi kong pinapatakbo si Randy kila lola sa bayan para tawagin sya. Lam nyo bang takot na takot nyang binabaybay ang mga pilapil at nilalakaran and madilim na kalsada na puno ng pino (pine trees) na  animoy nagmumulto ang lawiswis kapag lumalakas ang hangin? Takot na takot ang kapatid kong maglakad sa  kalsada na wala man lang kailaw ilaw. Ang tanging ilaw na lng ng dala nyang flashlight ang nagtuturo sa akin kung saan na sya naroon. Gusto ko syang samahan  pero kailangan kong maiwan sa bahay para bantayan kung ano pwedeng gawin ni Tatay sa inyo . I may exaggerate things but at my young  age, Hearing those glasses breaking ,I knew Tatay could harm you. How were you manage to answer him back when he was already in “terror”?You should have stopped cursing him to mellow the situation. Remember how I wasforceless and innocently  pull Tatay’s pants everytime he pulled your hair? ..Anyway, those were the days.

Right now, I would  say that I am not ok. I quit from my work because our acct can’t accommodate much more employees and they just held back my wage. I have pending bills but my funds are low. In fact today is my due date for my rent. I want to go back to school to fulfill my promise but I don’t have any idea on how to raise money for my tuition but I will Nay, no matter what it takes. Despite all these, I am still happy. Thank you for letting me understand how simple life is beyond its complexities. You’ve told me once that everything in life is temporary. That we might have problems with money at times but if we stay humble, people would understand. Thank You Nay for making me feel better now.

Also Nay, thank you for all your prayers.  I know that every Sunday , you are always asking for His grace. Thanks that no matter how difficult life is, you were able to provide us “ life”.  You’ve swallowed your pride many times now but I’d like to let you know how grateful I am to have you as my mother. I will be forever grateful.

I love You.

This is you Son,

Ryan

Celebration of Life Over Limitations

All through my life up until now, I’ve controlled how to express my emotions, not because I didn’t feel them, I felt them very deeply, but I certainly suppressed my  inferiority and discontentment. Being a poor kid, I knew how to pretend  I wasn’t hungry, to act like I wasn’t cold when I was  freezing , and to feel like people’s  words  didn’t hurt  just because my state didn’t  give me the liberty to complain. My young heart was screaming up to the top of my lungs but words seemed hesitant to come out. I was mum as if the feeling never existed. There were several moments in my past life that my pride was confronted and had to convince myself to understand and give pardon although I knew things weren’t right. I was tired of this negative emotion and I felt so dissatisfied. My fierce motivated me. They provoked self-challenge. I had to stop so I had to get in my way. I had to lift my spirit to be able to get to a point where I could be “somebody”. I had to analyze my worth and prepare myself to my own battle of survival – to defy life.

Life is full of trickery, full of twists and always unexpected. Every road I have been clumping seems all up hill. But, I have to remind myself that I have nowhere to go except up as I have already been at the bottom for the rest of my life. I have taken the chance and took the risk because I knew that at the end of this journey, there would be another beginning to look forward to. And by the time it would come around, I would be much more prepared just because I had grown. But I had reached the point to think how I would be able to climb that hill - the road is steep and cliff is death defying. But that’s where I am going. That’s where I am headed and there’s no turning back. Whether I’m clinging to a rock or jumping off on a cliff, they are both scary things to do for me. I have no option but to just throw myself to the wind and just say, " All right life, Here I am!" What I think is important now is to act and not allowing those to block me, to learn to live with them and to carry them around.

But this life is such a fool. After this very long, long journey, when  I finally  see the victory at the end of this road, life comes dressed up like detours or roadblock and sometimes, as full blown breaking point. No matter how I am persistent and motivated, life would still kick me and kick me again when I am already down. I failed multiple times, maybe ten times or even a hundred times and I couldn’t find the strength to get back up. But this life has so many lessons to teach me. Someone said ,"If I you're down with your face on the ground, you would try a hundred times to get up. If you fall a hundred and give up, you'll realize that it would be the end of your journey". So, I won’t give up. I will try, and try and try again even a thousand times because this is not the end and I have to end this strong. So to every fall, I have to find that strength to get back up. I have to find that strength to persevere and endure its toughness in spite of overwhelming obstacles.

But then again, I am just a human being and there are several ways my self-confidence can get destroyed – expecting too much from myself, setting my expectations so high and at the end, setting myself for disappointment. At one point I am hopeless, I realize that I am the only living person who believes in my dreams – that everything I do, regardless of how I am going to do it, I still fail. This pain is just too much that I want to just breakdown and scream the hell out. I am helpless to convince myself that I am strong and I lost the courage to move on, I lose faith – I’m feeling so tired, very tired. I feel like I’m not destined to succeed at all. I was never been miserable in my life. I seem to have lost all hope in everything. My motivation has evaporated into thin air. My self confidence and self esteem has hit an all time low. For a long time now, I never let myself to grieve because I hate to let my emotion to take over --- until today. This time, this feeling has to be acknowledged - my tears are now out of my control.

Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while so that we can see life with a clearer view again. There are moments in life that that we feel so down but those are the times that we have to remind ourselves to keep focused on believing ourselves. It may not be easy at times but in those struggles and difficulties, we will find the essence of who we really are. So when the days come filled with life- bothering frustrations, always believe in ourselves and all we want our life to be. Just like the  quote on that corridor wall said, "Rest if we must, but don't you dare quit! " So let's damn live with it. After all, this is still a beautiful world to live no matter what! Keep shinning for our day is still to come.Always be patient.

Wanders in the Night....

The Insomnia Effect

It’s 1:00 of Sunday morning. This humble apartment is lit by a blend of yellow lights from a lamp on the table and a radiating street light just outside the room. A glare of an open television makes this room even brighter while a flip of a fan breaks the silence of this lonely dawn. Mellow music is playing on TV and yet, I am still having a hard time catching a sleep. While waiting for my dream catcher to take effect, a lot of things are coming out of my head.  Thinking about what’s going on in this world, bitter-sweet memories, inspiring conversations, plans for tomorrow and a lot more from inspiring thoughts to just pure loneliness. 

Let me go ahead and document how my brain reminisce and explore the world of fantasy during this hour of insanity.Let me put all of these thoughts into words.

While I was grabbing a pen in my drawer, a flash report showed on tv. According to the report, a body of a teenage boy is found inside his room in a dorm in Manila. The boy hung himself for unknown reason. Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Such a poor boy. I wonder what he was thinking just before he ended his life. Was it about money, love or family? And I wonder, Why is it that desperate things happen mostly at night? Do you think the darkness of the night has a secret to tell? I don’t know.

Early this evening, I met with a friend in a bookstore along Recto. After buying a book, we went to Quiapo church and headed to a food chain nearby, after. Well, I’m still thinking what he told me while I was eating my cheeseburger. He told me that the owner of the food store sold the store to Jolibee for 350 million pesos and he added that the former owner was a college drop out. Now, I’m thinking, Do we really need to go to college in this country to get millions? Suddenly, the topic went to the Forbes lists of Philippines billionaires. Sy has 2.8 billion dollars so when we did our math, He has to spend 280 million dollars each year for 1,000 years before he used up all his money. Wow!!If all these billionaires would share 1 million each, Do you think there would be a school that would still need a chair? I wonder.

As I look around this room, I noticed the moon by the window. Her light is pale yet faintly glimmering in the night sky. I remember when I was young, we play under the moon’s shadow especially during garlic season when farmers stay to look after their crops. Laughter and cheers echoed in the vast farmland where we normally play hide and seek. We hid ourselves from haystack, corn crops, and pile of logs or kubol. I miss the days when all I care is my mother’s stick when I fail to take a bath. I wish I could be in the days when life was so simple and carefree just like the pale bright light. I miss the old days when we sleep by the beach under the quiet coolness of moonlight. I think, I miss to live again under its shine. 

A message alert from my facebook account unintentionally cut off my musing. It’s a message of a college friend who is now based in California. I envy my friends who are now in the US. Sometimes, I heard them complain about their struggles but If I were in their position, I wouldn’t care at all. I’m still dying to see the busy streets of downtown New York or the Golden Gate. I don’t think, night in the US is as lonesome as it is in the third world.

Its already 4:00 AM and still so quiet – so peaceful. My gaze is diverted to my room. I look back and ask myself, Am I happy? Am I contented? Many times I planned to escape, to live away from frustrations. I want to occupy myself with new beginnings, new life – anything new. I want to be born again, But how? I don’t know, maybe in my dreams.

Good Night Everyone.