Perfect Ending....

Life tends to be stressful. So before it dominates me, I think of my own potential. I step back to have a clearer view of the pain and I plan. At the end of the day, I know that the only person who could help myself is me. So when frustrations bother me, I remind myself the important things others tend to forget at tough times, and I’m sharing it with you.I know that you're reading this and I am writing this for you too.

I understand that life is never easy. Everyday is always unpredictable, everything can happen. There are moments that I am struggling to put a smile because of  so much pain this journey is causing me. But, whenever I encounter such misfortune, I always think that I am not alone.  No matter how bizarre or embarrassed or pathetic I feel about my own situation, there will be others out there experiencing the same emotions.  When I hear myself say “I am all alone,” it is my mind trying to sell me a lie so I will continue to feel sorry for myself. Nobody has it easy.  I never know what people are going through.  Every one of us has issues.  Sometimes it’s easy to feel like I’m the only one in the world who’s struggling, who’s frustrated, or unsatisfied, or barely getting by.  But that feeling is a lie.So I don’t belittle myself or anyone else.  Everybody is fighting their own unique war. So I Just hold on. I have all everything I could to make it better. I know that it won’t always be this way.

I am holding back my tears and keep on believing that I am strong so I will not cry. But every time I keep a tear from flowing, I am just adding up a pain into my heart. I've been through this multiple times and I realised, It’s ok to cry. Crying doesn’t indicate that  I am weak.  Since birth, it has always been a sign that I am alive and full of potential. I acknowledge my tears; I let it all go. I don’t dwell on it for too long because I might not notice life’s surprises. When I spend time worrying, I am simply using my imagination to create things I don’t want .Right now is life. So, I Live it. If I wake up in the morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in my life today, and I pay close attention, I’ll often find that I am right. I tear down any emotional brick walls I have built around me and feel every exquisite emotion, both good and bad.  This is real life.  This is how I welcome new opportunities.

Some of the pain is caused by people around me. Several times I keep on ignoring them, I Don't give in. When other people treat me poorly, I keep being myself. I don’t ever let someone else' bitterness change the person I am. I give up worrying about what others think of me.  What they think isn’t important.  What is important is how I feel about myself.  I spend more time with those who make me smile and less time with those who I feel pressured to impress. After all, No matter how cautiously I choose my words, someone will always twist them around and misinterpret what I say.  So I just say what I need to say. I always remember that the best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives my adversaries more insane than seeing me smile. I Never let them know that they got me.I don’t care so I ignore them. I hold my head up high and pretend all their negative remarks don’t even phase me, and someday they actually won’t.

Sometimes I accidentally allow small problems to escalate and dominate my life. There will always be small issues that irritate me. From overcharged few cents to unsatisfying customer service, slow traffic, annoying passengers, impatient SSS employees, corrupt officials to the simplest issue...irritate me and ruin my day, and everyone else'. There will always be small issues that irritate me; the secret is to be able  to give them the miniscule level of importance they deserve. Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. The key is, If it’s out of my control, why fret about it?  Concentrating on things I can control is how I make good things happen.

I see young people go to exclusive universities, teens who drive their own cars, friends in Starbucks, others in condo apartments -the list is long. These people have worry and care free lives. And I look at myself , I have nothing. Most of the time, I want to feel rich so I just count all the great things I have that money can't buy. Life is filled with simple pleasures, the little satisfying effects I never really anticipate, but always take great pleasure in.  They are the gifts of lif e that we each subconsciously celebrate in our own unique way. My family and the love we share  is my wealth, its value is more than the most precious gem. 

All these and more, I finally realised that in this journey, everyone wants a perfect ending.  But over the years I’ve learned that some of the best poems don’t rhyme, and many great stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, or end.  Life is about not knowing, embracing change, and taking a moment and making the best of it without knowing what’s going to happen next. I enjoy life surprises, no matter how small. I will keep living because tough times never last. Courage doesn’t always roar aloud.  Sometimes it’s the quiet voice at the end of the day whispering, “I will try again tomorrow.”  So I will stand strong. My father once said, "Things turn out best for people who make the best out of the way things turn out". So I will always keep my best.

And I am committed to making the best of it along with YOU.

Life Hurts...

Naniniwala ako, life is not so great sometimes. Life is hard, tanggapin natin! And we live in a world where we have the blessed and comfortable, those trying to be comfortable and those who are not comfortable at all. And sadly, we are all here to survive.  


We must live, kahit hindi na natin alam kung paano tau ulit huminga.


Marahil ito ang dahilan kung bakit ginawa ko ang blog na ito. Just like most of us, meron din akong kwento. Marahil ikaw, meron din.  We all have our own stories, and I would like to share mine. Many people have been through similar experiences and sharing it, I think, would inspire people to go back where they’ve lost courage and start to live again. And my ability to peel back the layers of my life and eventually look how it got from there to here is so hopeful for other people to look at their own.


From my previous posts, maybe you already knew that I am from a simple family – financially marginalised that is! But my previous posts were just the tip of an iceberg. There are still too many pains that are settling at the back of my heart. Sabi nga nila, move forward and leave the past behind. Madaming beses ko na kinalimutan iyon lahat. But there are still moments in my life when I see flashbacks. Bitter memories that are supposed to be buried are still haunting me. At sa mga pagkakataon na iyon, bumabalik ako dito because this is my only refuge – to gain life again.


I’ve been through a lot, in fact, I’ve been to hell and back. The hardest part of this journey so far, is when I arrived in Manila – after I left my province. I wanted to be part of this world. Katulad din ng iba, gusto ko din ng maayos na buhay. I wanted to erase poverty in my family. Maihahambing ko ang kabanatang ito ng buhay ko sa isang dahong nalagas sa puno, nahulog sa batis ng buhay at inagos ng tubig ng pag-asa. Nanalig ako sa aking kakayahan at katulad ng iba, umasa din ako na magtatagumpay. Subalit naging mapangahas ang agos ng tubig. Madaming beses akong nagpalutang –lutang sa kawalan. Kumapit ako, mahigpit na mahigpit, kahit buhay man ang kapalit. Umasa na sa kabilang dako ay magkakaroon ng makakapitan subalit, ang munti kong kakayahan ay sadyang mahina… hanggang sa hinayaan ko na lang ang aking sarili na sumunod sa agos ng buhay. Walang katiyakan ang paroroonan.Madaming beses sumadsad sa bato, inagos ng tubig hanggang sa kalaunan natuto akong kumapit. Hindi naging madali subalit alam kong sa ganitong paraan, nalalaman ko kung saan ako patutungo.


For a long time, I banished. Like, I put myself in an exile. Kumbaga sa balita, news blackout. I didn’t want my family to know that I was not ok. For more than a year, I was dead. I lived with people I’ve just met in a place I’ve never been before. Subic and Olongapo are great places but my ways of life weren’t. Despite all the challenges, I was able to save and start a life again back in Manila.


Envy. It started all. Kumapit ako sa patalim.I met several people from different aspects of life - some had real intentions, some just wanted to play with their boredom and others just wanted to shout their bounty. But it doesnt matter at all , I just wanted to live that's all! Sa bawat tuluyan, ako'y namangha sa ayos ng higaan, sa linis at kintab ng kwarto at sa lamig ng aircon.Minsan nga,halos ikinukubli ko ang aking paa sa bawat pag apak sa sahig. Ni hindi ko nga maiangat ang paa ko sa upuan katulad ng iba sa takot na madumihan ko ito.Subalit, sa gitna ng mga tagpong iyon na buhay ko, ako'y nainggit at nangarap. Ninais kong magkaroon ng disenteng tulugan, maayos na kwarto at magarbong palamuti.Sa pagkakataong iyon, nabuo ang aking pangarap - ang mamuhay at magkaroon ng mga bagay na hindi ko natikman.


Probably that feeling of inferiority triggered me of wanting to earn more. So, I decided to work in a call center. Ayoko sa iba, gusto ko call center lang. Konti pa lang ang call center nun, mahirap din makapasok. Every Sunday, nakaugalian ko nang bumili ng Manila Bulletin and in the evening, I planned where to go for the whole week. At 7AM in the morning, from Mondays tru Fridays, umaalis na ako ng bahay dala ang resume. Minsan wala pamasahe so minsan nilalabhan ko damit ng mga boardmates ko or minsan d ako kumakain. Many times I was denied from getting the job. ” Your  application will be kept active and keep your lines open cuz we might call you for the next evaluation”, yan ang madalas sabihin sa akin ng recruiter. Talo ko pa ang nagrereview sa board exam dahil gabi-gabi ko binabasa at kinakabisado ang scripted responses ko sa interbyu. Araw – araw iyon. Nalulungkot nga ako kapag Sabado at Linggo ksi wala akong aaplyan. Halos gabi-gabi , umiiyak ako dahil hndi ako natatanggap. Nalulungkot nga ako nun ksi iyong iba nga, gusto lang ang trabahong ito para masustentuhan ang layaw.Kung sino pa naman ang me kailangan sa trabaho, siya pa rin ang pinagkakaitan. Ganunpaman,kailangang magpatuloy. Para na nga akong professional sa paghahanap ng trabaho sa call center eh. Hanggang sa dumating ang ika 43^rd  day of job hunting, nakatanggap ako ng tawag. While I was listening to that call, my tears started to fall. For a long time that I patiently waited, naawa sa akin ang Diyos. Binigay ang matagal kong hiling. At sa pagkakataong iyon, nagkaroon ulit ako ng pag-asa.


Life became easy after that. Madami pa ring pagsubok pero ganun naman talaga ang buhay. And just like with that lost leaf in the stream,wandering despite the strong riverflow, alam ko na sa takdang panahon, mararating pa rin ang paroroonan. At patuloy ko pa ring isasalaysay ang paglalakbay ng dahon ng aking buhay. Because in the end only by sharing will be able to live with the struggles ,to live with pain and sadness to gather strength and to live again.

One Day I'll Fly Away..

For  so many years now, I have been struggling taking the twists and turns of this life. I have taken so many paths that would lead me to my direction but it seems that it’s taking so long to finish a lap. More recently, I have seen friends getting promoted, had a good career, started a family – while I am still here.  The days and years have gone by and I can’t believe that we are already in 2011. What happened? Where did life go? Am I too picky?

I hope life is like a cassette player. We can erase moments that are vexations to our spirit. We can fast forward to the result of our hardships or even rewind to the most precious part of our existence. But I think the best feature that would have been a great help is the power to go back and pause life when I need to make a decision from variety of choices. But sadly, life is not a cassette player. It is a real –life drama that you have to face real time without turning back.

I would admit, I have done so many wrong decisions in the past. And I let so many opportunities to pass by.  But what if those decisions were the most righteous that time? They said that opportunity knocks once. So does that mean that since it knocks once, you have to grab it the first time? 

I probably have regrets but I only have few. And if I could turn back time, I would probably choose the same option I’ve picked. It is not because it is the most applauded answer during QA's  but simply because I am tired of taking another track overcoming another set of challenges. What is more important is the fact that I learned a lot of valuable lessons. Some of my choices may have landed me in unpleasant circumstances, but experiencing these things certainly built my current character. I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for those character-building situations. My mistakes are stepping stones to my evolving life. There’s no need for me to sink into regret or despair – I keep my chin up.

It  may be true that opportunity knocks once. It may be true that I have let it pass. But it is also true that there are so many opportunities in this world, it is only up to me on how to explore them. All I need to have is the power to make the right decision. And if at worst that opportunity never knocks again, I know that there is always my angel who would take me to his cradle. And one day,  when that moment arrives, I know I will fly away. And beyond the silver tint of the cloud of doubt , I know I will succeed with another blow.

As I put down my pen, I suddenly had a reflection about my own race. I finally realized that the end of the race happens at the end of our lives. Where I am at now is not the barometer of success. Many just think that going a straight line is the fastest way to get to a point . But I'll do otherwise. I will follow the curves and fixing every curls along the way.

Forgotten Homework... a working student's file

My professor in one of my major disciplines asked us to show a video clip that would highlight one of the learning theories we have discussed so far this semester. Along with the video clip, she also required us to make a brief reflection  about the video and it's significance to current Philippines situation. After work, I hurried off to school and I didn't realise that we will present this to class today. So during my break time, I grabbed my laptop and finished my assignment.It's a good thing that the area has wifi so I was able to search videos from youtube.

Let me share you my output that earned me an on the spot A++ score...hahahaha!

CHILDREN SEE. CHILDREN DO

A Reflection on Bandura’s Social Learning Theory

By: Ryan M. Dancel

 

Albert Bandura’s Social Learning Theory (SLT) assumes that people's environment cause people to behave in certain ways. SLT simply states that a person will imitate the behavior of a role model, and this behavior will continue if they receive positive reinforcement of that behavior. According to the research conducted by Bandura and his work on SLT in the imitation of aggression, if children were witnesses to an aggressive display by an adult they would imitate this aggressive behavior when given the opportunity. That is, children learn social behavior such as aggression through the process of observation learning - through watching the behavior of another person.

The message in the video is clear: children would imitate behavior that they see around them such as talking on a phone, body language … smoking, violence. Children learn through the act of imitation. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. If we want our children to be responsible children and adults then we must act responsibly ourselves.  Responsible behavior must be taught by us to the children from a very early age. If we leave it too late to teach our children responsibilities we may have to backtrack and change the child’s behavior and perception of responsibilities.

There is an article I have read that I would like to emphasize in connection with aggression and its relationship with criminality. Based from that article, some criminality are learned behaviors, imitated from role models. When a person sees a role model performing a behavior and then receives positive feedback this is remembered. If that person has the chance to imitate this behavior they will. If they then get positive reinforcement for this imitation then the chance of them repeating this behavior is increased.

Overall, I think that the video is an excellent example of using psychology to provoke awareness of a very serious problem. As a model of good behavior, there’s a great role of parents in the development of behavior of their children. As parents, we have to be aware of the influence we have over children – both positive and negative. I do believe that the best school we have is still our homes and parents still remain as the best teacher. Make your influence positive!!

This is a video clip from television ad which was aired in Australia few years ago. I took this video from youtube.com.

On becoming a Teacher.........

When I was in Grade school up until high school, I dreamt of becoming a lawyer. I would say that my father had the greatest influence in molding my early chosen career.  When I was in high school, attending competitions that would present unique ideas and smart opinions and defending it before the crowd was ubiquitous. Back home, I always practiced that skill – the skill to rebut or to dispute. I tend to argue with my father, which was brilliant to him but an outrage  to my mother.

When I entered college in a University, I ended up taking Education. Why I took Education? Well, it’s a long story and all I knew was I despised becoming a teacher. Though my Entrance Exam score was high that even the medical course could have accommodated me, I took the degree that those who failed the exam ended up enrolling. I felt embarrassed when friends asked me what degree I was taking. I neither had the nerve to roam around the Education building nor a part of any Education organization. I could even remember one time, a professor ,with a poker face, asked our class why we took education.

I had flame-less desire and low-powered motivation engine so my report card at the end of each semester would show a "not-so-good, not-so-bad grades.Suddenly, that flame just stopped and ended up undergraduate and set a foot in the BPO industry aka Call Center Industry. I started in the industry when there were just few call centers in the country and qualifications were above average. I would say that this industry let me tasted the abundance of life – I was able to fill my empty space with the things we never had back home. Back then, I thought of just getting this college thing go because by that point, I was already in. Getting paid and receiving  my paychecks was like heaven as it was this little part of my life that I received then “huge” amount ,I wasn't use to hold such amount before. To me, it was satisfying when I got to visit the mall and had fine dine in once every pay period.

 I was so delighted and my way of life was totally gratifying – until I received this one call from my customer. With his harsh insulting and totally truculent language, he told me that I never gone to higher education because the Philippines doesn't  have a higher institute of learning. I've been in the industry for quite some time and though I received similar calls in the past, this specific call made me realize, it wasn't right. Good thing, the next day was our pay period. So After withdrawing money from my ATM the next day, I went to process my papers for re enrollment. Yes, I went back to school.

At first, I was worried because I lived independently and apart from my school fees, I had to settle my monthly dues.Putting on a new clothes, paying bills on time or even dining in to food chains became less easy. My cupboard would soon become empty than half filled. Seeing movie is even now a luxury. But that moment I sat down in that classroom, that moment I stepped back to college…it felt like I’m back home. It felt like breathing and it felt right. Suddenly, I  came to realize that when you’re doing the work you are meant to do, it felt right and everyday is a bonus regardless of what you’re getting paid.

Today, I’m finishing my remaining units in Education. Believe it or not, I am desirous to teach my first lesson in class, to wear a faculty uniform and to scribble my first draft on the board. But above all the lesson plans, teacher's manual, faculty meetings etc I think, the reason why I regained the flame to become a teacher is to teach the true academic of  life.My philosophy of education is formed through a combination of my life experiences as a student, my experience as a call center worker, my studies, and a handful of inspiring stories and quotations that have entered my life. Much more , I had realized  that being a teacher  is not just a career but it serves just like a platform to help other people lift their lives.

Perhaps that part of my life when I was working in a call center gave me the room to enjoy life's bounty, to live with the world and to explore life in different perspective.But there's always a lesson to everything we do and to every experience we have.Several times my mother would remind me about getting my degree and several times,I neglected. And there's always a scene in our life when we need to be reminded just like from that lost call I received. And I got the message - to move forward, to enrich my spirit because inner wisdom is more precious than wealth.So I'll get that document and I must get that diploma.

myLot User Profile

A Mother's Touch

An Open Letter for my Mother 

Nay,

Musta na?  It’s been a while since we last talk over the phone.  Im writing you this letter because I just realized how wonderful you are.  Dati, hindi kita naapreciate but now, As I face ung mga challenges dito sa Manila, I wonder how were you able to overcome ung mga paghihirap mo dati sa family natin.

Lam mo Nay, I dreamed of you last night. I was crying hard because,  in my dream, you were gone, as in forever. I was in an uncommon place with uncommon people. Yung community na un has very simple living, puro kubo lang ung bahay.  Kami ni Maine were looking for you in that place. Someone told us na nakita ka daw pero hanggang dun lang. We never found you. You were gone forever.

I woke up crying, buti na lng panaginip lang yun. I am sorry dahil I never told you how much I love you. I am sorry If I failed you. Nung bata pa kmi, you thought that I would be the most successful sa aming magkakapatid dahil ako ang pinakamatalino. I promised you na dadalhin kita sa PICC pra sa graduation ko but as of this time, wala pa akong diploma.

Naalala ko pa nung nagtitinda ka pa sa skul namin. Madaling araw pa lang pumupunta ka na sa bayan para bilhin mga ititinda mo. Paggising naming magkakapatid nakahanda na ung almusal namin. Ginisang corned beef dahil yun  mabilis lutuin.Ung baon namin , nadivide divide na sa mesa para sa aming magkakapatid. Minsan meron na ding lapis o pad paper  depende kung nagsabi na kami na wala na kaming supply. Lam mo ba naiinis ako sau dati kasi kanya kanya kami ng bihis. Minsan, pumapasok kmi na di nakplantsa ang uniform. Kung minsan naman, d na ako sumasali sa mga skul program dhil wla akong isusuot. Dahil wala kang panahon to look for what we needed. 

Pero Nay, naalala mo pa rin ba nung pinagbawalan na kau ng Prinsipal naming na magtinda sa skul? Salbaheng principal nay un. Nahihiya ako kapag lagging nababanggit sa flag ceremony na bawal na kaming bumili sa inyo. Na kesyo daw makakuha daw kmi ng sakit pag bumili kmi sa inyo. Lam ko nmn na di un totoo kasi lam ko nmn kung ganu mo nililinis mga gingamit mo. Di ba nga sa bahay , mas malinis pa ung mga pinapagamit mo sa mga estudyante kesa sa mga ginagamit namin sa bahay?

Well, wala ka din nagawa hanggang tuluyan ka ng napaalis and you ended up, selling ice candy sa palengke duting market days. Life became so tough. Minsan we were going to school without baon kasi nagagalit ka pag humihingi kami. But one time, naawa ka so binigyan mo ako ng 1.50 ng kusa , di ko un makakalimutan.Na touched kaya ako dun.

Pero lam mo Nay, and di ko makakalimutan ay ung lagi nyong pag aaway ni Tatay kapag nalalasing sya. Everytime nalalasing si Tatay, it was  a nightmare for us all. That was many years ago but until now, those memories still haunting me. Minsan natatakot pa dn ako. I was 9 yrs old and Randy was just 8. Kpag nag aaway kayo ni Tatay ng dis oras ng gabi, lagi kong pinapatakbo si Randy kila lola sa bayan para tawagin sya. Lam nyo bang takot na takot nyang binabaybay ang mga pilapil at nilalakaran and madilim na kalsada na puno ng pino (pine trees) na  animoy nagmumulto ang lawiswis kapag lumalakas ang hangin? Takot na takot ang kapatid kong maglakad sa  kalsada na wala man lang kailaw ilaw. Ang tanging ilaw na lng ng dala nyang flashlight ang nagtuturo sa akin kung saan na sya naroon. Gusto ko syang samahan  pero kailangan kong maiwan sa bahay para bantayan kung ano pwedeng gawin ni Tatay sa inyo . I may exaggerate things but at my young  age, Hearing those glasses breaking ,I knew Tatay could harm you. How were you manage to answer him back when he was already in “terror”?You should have stopped cursing him to mellow the situation. Remember how I wasforceless and innocently  pull Tatay’s pants everytime he pulled your hair? ..Anyway, those were the days.

Right now, I would  say that I am not ok. I quit from my work because our acct can’t accommodate much more employees and they just held back my wage. I have pending bills but my funds are low. In fact today is my due date for my rent. I want to go back to school to fulfill my promise but I don’t have any idea on how to raise money for my tuition but I will Nay, no matter what it takes. Despite all these, I am still happy. Thank you for letting me understand how simple life is beyond its complexities. You’ve told me once that everything in life is temporary. That we might have problems with money at times but if we stay humble, people would understand. Thank You Nay for making me feel better now.

Also Nay, thank you for all your prayers.  I know that every Sunday , you are always asking for His grace. Thanks that no matter how difficult life is, you were able to provide us “ life”.  You’ve swallowed your pride many times now but I’d like to let you know how grateful I am to have you as my mother. I will be forever grateful.

I love You.

This is you Son,

Ryan

Celebration of Life Over Limitations

All through my life up until now, I’ve controlled how to express my emotions, not because I didn’t feel them, I felt them very deeply, but I certainly suppressed my  inferiority and discontentment. Being a poor kid, I knew how to pretend  I wasn’t hungry, to act like I wasn’t cold when I was  freezing , and to feel like people’s  words  didn’t hurt  just because my state didn’t  give me the liberty to complain. My young heart was screaming up to the top of my lungs but words seemed hesitant to come out. I was mum as if the feeling never existed. There were several moments in my past life that my pride was confronted and had to convince myself to understand and give pardon although I knew things weren’t right. I was tired of this negative emotion and I felt so dissatisfied. My fierce motivated me. They provoked self-challenge. I had to stop so I had to get in my way. I had to lift my spirit to be able to get to a point where I could be “somebody”. I had to analyze my worth and prepare myself to my own battle of survival – to defy life.

Life is full of trickery, full of twists and always unexpected. Every road I have been clumping seems all up hill. But, I have to remind myself that I have nowhere to go except up as I have already been at the bottom for the rest of my life. I have taken the chance and took the risk because I knew that at the end of this journey, there would be another beginning to look forward to. And by the time it would come around, I would be much more prepared just because I had grown. But I had reached the point to think how I would be able to climb that hill - the road is steep and cliff is death defying. But that’s where I am going. That’s where I am headed and there’s no turning back. Whether I’m clinging to a rock or jumping off on a cliff, they are both scary things to do for me. I have no option but to just throw myself to the wind and just say, " All right life, Here I am!" What I think is important now is to act and not allowing those to block me, to learn to live with them and to carry them around.

But this life is such a fool. After this very long, long journey, when  I finally  see the victory at the end of this road, life comes dressed up like detours or roadblock and sometimes, as full blown breaking point. No matter how I am persistent and motivated, life would still kick me and kick me again when I am already down. I failed multiple times, maybe ten times or even a hundred times and I couldn’t find the strength to get back up. But this life has so many lessons to teach me. Someone said ,"If I you're down with your face on the ground, you would try a hundred times to get up. If you fall a hundred and give up, you'll realize that it would be the end of your journey". So, I won’t give up. I will try, and try and try again even a thousand times because this is not the end and I have to end this strong. So to every fall, I have to find that strength to get back up. I have to find that strength to persevere and endure its toughness in spite of overwhelming obstacles.

But then again, I am just a human being and there are several ways my self-confidence can get destroyed – expecting too much from myself, setting my expectations so high and at the end, setting myself for disappointment. At one point I am hopeless, I realize that I am the only living person who believes in my dreams – that everything I do, regardless of how I am going to do it, I still fail. This pain is just too much that I want to just breakdown and scream the hell out. I am helpless to convince myself that I am strong and I lost the courage to move on, I lose faith – I’m feeling so tired, very tired. I feel like I’m not destined to succeed at all. I was never been miserable in my life. I seem to have lost all hope in everything. My motivation has evaporated into thin air. My self confidence and self esteem has hit an all time low. For a long time now, I never let myself to grieve because I hate to let my emotion to take over --- until today. This time, this feeling has to be acknowledged - my tears are now out of my control.

Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while so that we can see life with a clearer view again. There are moments in life that that we feel so down but those are the times that we have to remind ourselves to keep focused on believing ourselves. It may not be easy at times but in those struggles and difficulties, we will find the essence of who we really are. So when the days come filled with life- bothering frustrations, always believe in ourselves and all we want our life to be. Just like the  quote on that corridor wall said, "Rest if we must, but don't you dare quit! " So let's damn live with it. After all, this is still a beautiful world to live no matter what! Keep shinning for our day is still to come.Always be patient.

Wanders in the Night....

The Insomnia Effect

It’s 1:00 of Sunday morning. This humble apartment is lit by a blend of yellow lights from a lamp on the table and a radiating street light just outside the room. A glare of an open television makes this room even brighter while a flip of a fan breaks the silence of this lonely dawn. Mellow music is playing on TV and yet, I am still having a hard time catching a sleep. While waiting for my dream catcher to take effect, a lot of things are coming out of my head.  Thinking about what’s going on in this world, bitter-sweet memories, inspiring conversations, plans for tomorrow and a lot more from inspiring thoughts to just pure loneliness. 

Let me go ahead and document how my brain reminisce and explore the world of fantasy during this hour of insanity.Let me put all of these thoughts into words.

While I was grabbing a pen in my drawer, a flash report showed on tv. According to the report, a body of a teenage boy is found inside his room in a dorm in Manila. The boy hung himself for unknown reason. Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Such a poor boy. I wonder what he was thinking just before he ended his life. Was it about money, love or family? And I wonder, Why is it that desperate things happen mostly at night? Do you think the darkness of the night has a secret to tell? I don’t know.

Early this evening, I met with a friend in a bookstore along Recto. After buying a book, we went to Quiapo church and headed to a food chain nearby, after. Well, I’m still thinking what he told me while I was eating my cheeseburger. He told me that the owner of the food store sold the store to Jolibee for 350 million pesos and he added that the former owner was a college drop out. Now, I’m thinking, Do we really need to go to college in this country to get millions? Suddenly, the topic went to the Forbes lists of Philippines billionaires. Sy has 2.8 billion dollars so when we did our math, He has to spend 280 million dollars each year for 1,000 years before he used up all his money. Wow!!If all these billionaires would share 1 million each, Do you think there would be a school that would still need a chair? I wonder.

As I look around this room, I noticed the moon by the window. Her light is pale yet faintly glimmering in the night sky. I remember when I was young, we play under the moon’s shadow especially during garlic season when farmers stay to look after their crops. Laughter and cheers echoed in the vast farmland where we normally play hide and seek. We hid ourselves from haystack, corn crops, and pile of logs or kubol. I miss the days when all I care is my mother’s stick when I fail to take a bath. I wish I could be in the days when life was so simple and carefree just like the pale bright light. I miss the old days when we sleep by the beach under the quiet coolness of moonlight. I think, I miss to live again under its shine. 

A message alert from my facebook account unintentionally cut off my musing. It’s a message of a college friend who is now based in California. I envy my friends who are now in the US. Sometimes, I heard them complain about their struggles but If I were in their position, I wouldn’t care at all. I’m still dying to see the busy streets of downtown New York or the Golden Gate. I don’t think, night in the US is as lonesome as it is in the third world.

Its already 4:00 AM and still so quiet – so peaceful. My gaze is diverted to my room. I look back and ask myself, Am I happy? Am I contented? Many times I planned to escape, to live away from frustrations. I want to occupy myself with new beginnings, new life – anything new. I want to be born again, But how? I don’t know, maybe in my dreams.

Good Night Everyone.

A Tale of an Imperfect Father

I am not going to tell you how good my father is. I will not sing praises for him as well. Many of us remember our father as the best man in the world. And today as we celebrate Fathers Day, I will talk about my Father when I was young and innocent. I will remember the years when I was supposed to enjoy the wonders of childhood. I will look back to the pain of my innocence. I will tell how imperfect my father was..

When I was young, I've always seen my father under the influence of alcohol. When I say always, I mean almost every single day. And every time he was intoxicated, our home was in chaos. I would hear my father cursing us all – cursing my mother who was tired working the whole day. And later on, I could hear glasses breaking, doors banging and nasty words coming out from my father’s mouth. It was a painful experience to see your parents fighting and cursing. And, growing in this so called “shelter” was never easy. I would always envy my classmates whose parents were not fighting. There was a time I didn’t want to go home because I was afraid to see my father but I didn’t have any choice.

But without alcohol, our life was normal. I remember when I was in Grade 1, my father used to drive me to school with his old bicycle. I would always complain not letting me to just ride on a motor bike and would just pay P5.00. He would always say , “Bukas na lang”. I remember one time he would sit in my class. It embarrassed me because back then, it was annoying to have your parents watch you in class. It was only my father who did that after all.

As I grew older I realized how difficult my father's job was . Despite his flaws, he worked doubly hard as a security officer of the same school I attended back in high school. He tried so hard to serve us good meal on a dinner table. As a security officer, he had shift rotation so sometimes he worked during night.So, with his pillow, mosquito net, mat, flashlight and a transistor radio, he was inclined to go to his "duty", regardless of the weather .Sleeping along dark corridors between old school buildings during his night shift was never easy but I never heard my father complained how inconvenient it was .Most of the time, I complain about my compensation while my father , though he was just receiving a quarter of my earnings, never said a single disappointment about his wage.


Suddenly today, I can now recognize how my father was able to fulfill his lapses.

I know my father doesn’t have any idea on how to use the internet so it is impossible for him to read this but today, as  we celebrate Fathers Day… I have only one thing to say to my father……….

                Tay, alam ko ngaun kung bakit kayo naglalasing nung bata kami. Naiintindihan ko na sobra na kayong napapagod  sa hirap ng buhay natin nun but you just didn’t had the courage to tell us because you knew that it was your responsibility. Di mo kami mapasama sa mga field trips dhil wala kang pera pero ok lang po. Natatandaan ko nung tumawag c Asel sa inyo after he passed the board, “Tay , Nurse na ako!.. Di kayo nagsalita for a while, you just said in a rattling voice, “Nurse ka na anak? I know that you were so happy to hear that ksi alam ko na matagal nyo na ring gustong may ipagmalaki.Tingnan nyo Tay, di kau nagkulang. Kailanman di kau naging kulang. Uulit ulitin ko po na sasabihin sa inyo katulad ng paulit ulit nyong pagsasabi pag nalalasing kayo na mahal na mahal namin kayo. When you sat in my class in Grade 1, I finally realized that you just wanted us to study harder. And in the end, these small things that you’ve done – these little imperfections made everything so perfect. Di nyo man nabigay lahat but you will leave us the richest inheritance.
Happy Father’s Day

Just When You Least Expect It

I was surfing videos from YouTube and suddenly a music video of the song “That’s What Friends are For“ by Dione Warwick caught my attention. I heard this song played several times over the radio during late hours but this time,I learn to appreciate the song. While I was watching the video, I didn’t realize that my eyes were already in tears. Suddenly, I just realized how my friends made everything so easy for me.

I don’t have much friends, I only have few. And these people show up in the middle of the night, just when I least expect it. People who'd patiently listen to my complains and hold my hand when I’m sad. People who would say nothing but hug me when I’m not ok. When I'm disappointed in life, I turn to my friends just before I turn to my family.

How can I forget the day when I was terribly in need. We don't speak that much. You're so far and yet just one message I sent you, you responded with the tracking number. You never knew how you were able to pull me out from darkness when everything seems hopeless.

We've been through a lot of things when we were in college. We both cried when the world was unfair. Though sometimes we had disagreement you were still there to make me laugh. We've shared fun and happy moments even though we had nothing for supper. But despite all, our lives moved and I'm grateful and happy because you are now fulfilled.

At first, I was a stranger but you've opened the door for me. You may not know but your company let me feel that I am not alone. I can see those questions in your eyes but you opted to smile to help myself smile. Thank you for taking good care of me.

Three different scenarios that I will never forget. Different people I've met in my journey called life.

To all of my friends, I never got the chance to say it but today, I'd like to say," Thank You for helping me make it through these tough years. Thank you for saving me from doing the unspeakable. I love you and will never forget you".

My Theme Song

They say that a song is a reflection of our experiences in our journey. It is a  melody of our daily existence. But if the lyrics of a song describes the kind of world we are living, then, which song narrates our own struggles and victory in life.

I heard this song once when I was surfing on youtube. Since then, I keep playing this song almost every time I log in to the site. It is a song about mother’s undying love – it is a song of love.
In the bible, the coat of many colors is the name of the multi-colored garment that Joseph owned but in this song, it is a patchwork coat of many materials which have been of different colors. The song, Coat of Many Colors originally sung by Dolly Parton, tells a story of how Parton’s mother stitched together a coat for her daughter out of rags given to the family. As she sewed, she told her child the biblical story of Joseph and his coat of many colors.

Well, I'm not really into country music but this song perfectly reflects how humble our life was. In my family, getting what we wanted was less easy. But despite all these, my parents were so generous beyond their means. And just like the Coat of Many Colors, the greatest gift they gave us was the gift of love. 

I am Xuanya………

 XUANYA is Chinese for cliff.  I once heard from a wise man, that when you are pushed off a cliff, you either fall or you fly. I am not the cliff but you can call me Xuanya – I am Xuanya . And this is my story of climbing up the wall and seeing another road, when I thought it was already a dead end.

The breeze was cold in the early morning of November.  I could smell the balmy odor of eucalyptus trees growing along the lonely highway.  It was still a little dark but the brightness of the day was starting to flourish in the sky.  On the window of the bus, I could see old women crating dried leaves in their yard while men had their plows on their shoulders. From a distance, I could see the arch welcoming everyone. Finally, I reached my point of destination. It’s nice to be back home.

It was a 10 hrs of travel from Manila to Ilocos but the place was worth the long journey. My hometown had a lot to offer for travelers like white sand beaches , windmills which is first in Southeast Asia ( I think), Hispanic architectures , old churches and bridges and of course good food. But I was not there for these. I was there to heal the wounds. I was there because I had realised, I had nowhere to go.

Meanwhile, as I moved closer to our house , I saw Nanay grazing our animals in the field near our humble house. Our house is situated in the middle of rice fields. It was the same house I left 4 yrs ago but it became older – roof turned brown and cracks became visible on the walls. Upon seeing me, Nanay approached and helped me carry my bags. “Kumusta  anak”, she asked. I smiled. After all, she knew why I was home.

“Gising na, Dito na kuya nyo!!”, I heard my father waking my younger siblings.  Then, they went to open my bags and I saw how disappointed they were to see nothing inside. It’s a good thing I had a pair of apples to compensate their letdown. For them, Manila was a land of bounty that whenever you come home, you have at least “ some” for them. But not that time. I didn’t want to come home empty handed but that’s all I could afford .

The memories were in the past but the pain is still haunting me up to the present.

I stayed in Ilocos for more than a year. I stopped going to college because my parents could't afford my tuition and my aunt won’t help me anymore. So, In the province, I again actualized how difficult life was. Ulam was unexpected until  mealtime – depends on what was available in the farm. During rainy season, kangkong sprouted  all over the field so we always had ulam on those days . Summer was tough because the land was dry. Sometimes, there were “lone egpplants” living in some areas that even an immature fruit needed to be picked just to have something for dinner.

Life was hard. Really hard.  So I decided to go back to Manila to look for a job. My mother was against but  I was able to convince her when I agreed to stay with our relative – but she didn’t know I lied. I didn’t want to go back to that place anymore.  Her face was so worried when she accompanied me to the terminal. She handed me P3,000 she saved from her ice candy business(not really a business but  Nanay sells ice candy, anyway). The bus started to move  and passed my mother on her bike. I was crying inside.

This part of my life, this woeful moment of my life ignited a flame of thirst -a vision of a better life. I had to make myself believe that I can stop poverty in my family despite my inner doubts. I knew it was impossible because resources were lacking and in reality, self-motivation was not enough and will never be an assurance. But I have shown courage to my mother before I left. So I have to find that strength to stand up. No matter how difficult , no matter how impossible.

Things You Should Know......

I am.........

• born under the sign of the water bearer
• second to the eldest of 6 siblings
• know how challenging and sometimes hard life is so I value all the blessings that comes my way
• a joker and happy person in public but I cried a lot when I'm alone
• blessed to have a loving family
• a devoted child of the one true GOD
• i tend to be sentimental 
• born with the gift of sensitivity - more of an Empathy which can sense a persons true feelings
• I've been working in the CC/BPO industry since 2003
• I've been into a lot - from hell n' back but I pride myself for always being grounded and overcoming the challenges and trials in my life
• I love the rain and the smell of it
• I love nature
• I love Naima - my pet dog who's no longer with me
• I have no fear in the dark nor the paranormal but I am claustrophobic
• When I was young, I wanted to be a lawyer
• I value my different mentors in life
• I fight for what I feel and know is right
• I value respect and attention
• I believe that there is no such thing as chance but we make our own destiny
• I love to cook and experiment in the kitchen
• My mom would deny it but I know Im the son of the Sultan of Brunei
• I hate my current job and I dont see myself working in the same industry next year
• I aspire to be the best person I can be and to be a role model of how I live my life
• I love Martha Stewart , Giana de Laurentiis and Nanay
• I want to see Santorini and I'd love to live in New York
• I love mellow/ballad
• I love country lifestyle
• I love the simplicity of life
• I love myself and the way life is treating me.........

Moving on...

Hi,

They said that the only constant thing in this world is change… and having said that, I decided to make change by reminiscing life’s bitter-sweet memories… so for this, I will now be publishing some of them in a different platform and that is here – http://iamyuandancel.blogspot.com/

What’s the reason for change? Nothing… I just want something new…hehehe

I hope you will follow my story here…